Longing
by Judith6
Summary: Weighing the value of his life, Rath contemplates suicide.


Note: Alright, here we go. This is my first (well, not "first", but completed) fanfic. I do have others I'm working on, but let's not get into that. I had had this story "idea" in my head for the longest time before I actually got it written out. I don't know, I'm sort of picky (I guess) when it comes to writing and I have to be in a particular state of mind to be able to write decent enough for others to read it. So, I waited, and unexpectedly it came to me.. at 2:30 in the morning! I practically forced myself to stay up so I could get it all done. I was up 'til 6:00 finishing it. Oh, and what a hell that was. Anyway. enough of my babbling. Sorry to hold you up. Let's get this going.  
  
Summary: Weighing the value of his life, Rath contemplates suicide. (WOW! What a summary, eh?! Well, that's all I can really tell you, except this is (yet again!) another "Tourniquet" song-fic. Ah! Yes, I'm sure you've all had your share of these things but it's just how this story came out so even if you're completely fed up with them, please read my story anyway. Cut out the song if you must.)  
  
Warning: Language, mutilation/suicide intensions, character death  
  
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Dragon Knights or any of the characters, location names, or any dinky little detail in the story, or the story itself. And I do not own the song "Tourniquet".  
  
Note #2: Ok, now that I've held you up for an eternity, it's time to read. I would greatly appreciate feedback, both positive and constructive. Please be gentle, if you don't like it (in other words, insults are NOT invited). Thanks.  
  
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I tried to kill the pain  
  
But only brought more.so much more  
  
Rath lay curled on his bed. He had been for quite some time, waiting for sleep to over-come him. But it wouldn't. He lay with his eyes open. The piercing red depths stared into the darkness, unfocussed yet thoughtful. 'I almost told him.' Earlier that day, Rath had nearly revealed his past to Rune. The deep, dark secret that haunted him each day had almost been set loose. He trusted his fellow knight so much that letting the truth slip accidentally was beginning to scare him more than ever. He tried to hold it back, to brush aside the worries, but it was getting harder. Everyone was prying deeper for answers, and Rath was fighting harder, thickening the barrier with all his strength. It was wearing him out. It was becoming more and more painful, the deeper they dug for the truth in his heart.  
  
I lay dying  
  
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
  
He clutched his chest. The pain wouldn't go away. Why the hell would they even care to know? 'Because they worry about me.' His hands balled into fists as the anger spread through him. He hated them. All of them. He hated them for caring for him. He hated them for being worried about him. He hated them for simply accepting him. He thought about killing them once, then they wouldn't be able to care for him anymore. They would be gone. But the weight of the guilt he would hold then would be far too great of a burden. He couldn't carry the weight of betrayal. It would only make the pain worse.  
  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming  
  
Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost?  
  
He was so confused. What was he to do? He had no way out of this. He was miserable. He didn't want to deal with it anymore. He just wanted it to go away. Everything. The officers, Thatz, Rune. hell, the whole goddamned dragon clan for all he cared -- anyone who affected him in any way, or vice- versa. But none so much as the Dragon Lord. If it were not for him, Rath wouldn't even be in this place. However, good fortune was never on Rath's side. He had been born with yokai blood, and that's what did this to him. He was cursed, damned from his first breath. He had always been trapped in an emptiness that enveloped him like a sea of darkness, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't reach the surface. Nothing could save him from that void. He was in far too deep.  
  
My god, my tourniquet  
  
Return to me salvation My god, my tourniquet Return to me salvation  
  
Rath's gaze was steady, never leaving its trail. He had been staring at it for hours now. Contemplation and a hint of need showed in his eyes. He had an idea. It was nothing he'd never considered before, but for some reason, tonight just seemed like the best opportunity. The castle was silent tonight. He was alone and free to do what he wished. There was a flash of lightening and a blinding glint from the object on the table that held his attention. The light streamed over the flat length of it, its sharp edges almost irresistible. Rath stared for a moment longer before he stealthily rose from his bed. Once standing, he hesitated. Was this really what he wanted? 'Yes. yes, I want this.' After silencing his conscience, he slowly made his way to the small table in the corner of his room.  
  
Do you remember me? Lost for so long Will you be on the other side or will you forget me?  
  
The knife seemed to glow faintly in the dim moonlight. Rath held it in his hand, his eyes perfectly fixed on it as if in a trance. He found himself wondering what comes after death. He had been raised to believe in a higher power and that when you died, your soul was released into a world of beauty. A world of no evil and everything was perfect. Rath doubted there was such a place. Even if there was, he knew he wasn't eligible for it. He never had been. He couldn't imagine himself being accepted anywhere. except Hell. If there were any gods, they wouldn't let Rath anywhere but there. He was sure of it. But that didn't bother him. 'I want this.' As much as he forced himself, there was still hesitation. Why was he stalling? This was what he wanted. right? He rotated the blade in his hand, inspecting it from all angles. Then he stopped, his grip on the hilt tightened. 'God-dammit, Rath. you fucking imbecile. quit gawking and just do it!' Although his mind was determined, his body was getting weak.  
  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost?  
  
The pain shot through his chest. Gasping, he clutched it. The pain was there again. It would not leave. It never would. unless Rath put a stop to it. And he knew how. In his mind he knew, but for some reason, in his heart, there was something stopping him. He didn't know what. He wanted this so badly. It was something he longed for daily, but now that he could do it, a part of him couldn't. A tear rolled down his cheek, unnoticed.  
  
My god, my tourniquet Return to me salvation My god, my tourniquet Return to me salvation  
  
Paying no heed to the tears streaming down his pale face, Rath took a deep breath and set the blade against his wrist. 'I have to do this. I want this, okay? Fuck what everyone will think when they find me here, dead in the morning. Just do it.' He growled in frustration as he pushed down on the soft flesh. It pressed into his skin but would not cut until he wished it. What was he waiting for? He took in a deep breath and then sighed in annoyance. 'Come on, Rath. It's now or never. Do it.' His hand shook, the anticipation building. 'Do it. Get it over with. I want this. Just do it!' But his hand wouldn't move. "Dammit!" he choked out, a sob and a sick laugh at once. The confusion was so immense; he didn't even know what he was going to do. He squeezed his eyes shut, bracing himself for his last attempt at fulfilling the want in his heart. He couldn't stand this. The hatred inside him was built to the point that it hurt. 'That fucking pain in my chest. I'm sick of it!' The rage burned inside him, coursing through his veins. The hate rising anew with each heat of his heart. It built and built, the darkness taking over his mind and luring him toward the edge until finally, he snapped.  
  
I want to die!  
  
With one swift stroke that was as quick as even the lightening outside, he slashed. His eyes snapped open. His lips parted slightly as a soundless cry barely left him; he held it back. Looking down at his wrist, he noted the lack of blood. Having been in as many battles as he had, he knew the ways of quick, clean cuts like this one. After a few moments, there was a speck of blood. He watched in near fascination as the crimson, bead slowly grew. A few more appeared and joined in flooding the valley of the wound. Soon, it over-flowed and the blood streamed from the gash and down Rath's arm. He could feel it flowing out, felt its pulse rapid and smooth. He switched the knife to the other hand and without any hesitation this time, slashed his other wrist. Reaction repeated the previous one and Rath watched with the same fascination.  
  
My god, my tourniquet Return to me salvation My god, my tourniquet Return to me salvation  
  
Though it had been silent before, the room somehow seemed to be far more still. Rath's heart beat hard inside of his chest, his breath shallow. He held his hands before his face, staring at the slices in his wrists. As he stared, the realization hit him. 'I did it.' His lips trembled slightly as the softest of smiles spread across them. 'I really did it.' Lowering his eyes to the floor, he noticed the blood running in rivulets down his arms, dripping from his elbows and into crimson oceans at his feet. The world seemed to spin as all the weight left his head. Caught in the haze, he found himself falling to the floor with a hard thud. The impact of the fall hurt a little, but he didn't care. Lying on his back, he stared numbly at the ceiling. His arms spread out as if to take in every fragment of the relief he felt; the pure ecstasy of knowing he was free. 'It's finally done.'  
  
My wounds cry for the grave My soul cries for deliverance  
  
He breathed in slow, steady breaths. Everything was getting dark. He wondered what was to come after this, but that didn't matter either. All that mattered was that the chains were broken. There would be no more deception, no more hatred. no more pain. His smile spread again as a rush of peace flowed through him. It was the happiest he'd been in his whole life. Unfortunately, it wouldn't last long enough. His vision blurred as the haze thickened. His eyelids felt heavy and all he could do was give into the wonderful feeling and close his eyes. One last breath escaped his parted lips as his ruby eyes drifted shut.  
  
Will I be denied Christ Tourniquet My suicide  
  
The rain from outside pattered lightly against the window. The storm retreated and left the night silent once more. There was no disturbance. The moonlight streamed through the window, and in the middle of the floor lay Rath, the former Dragon Knight of Fire, whose face held the most content expression. Full of peace, full of happiness. The expression of one who had not a single care in the world. He didn't, for he was finally free. 


End file.
